Friendships

Those that endure for a lifetime and those that are only for a season

Lately I’ve been thinking about my deepest friendships. My circle has always been very small and I’ve found that my most enduring friendships do not rely not on frequency of time together in person but on a few traits they all share.

Effort:

“If they wanted to they would”, this is true. This does not mean that we text all day, every day. Most of us are too busy for that. And for that, I am glad. We should be out there living life not on our phones talking about it. While I was away for about 8 years one friend wrote me once a week FOR 8 YEARS! She had a young family. Her days were full of school activities, sports activities, her very demanding job in DC and yet she found the time to sit down and write me long, thoughtful, kind and amusing letters. This is the kind of energy that true friendship demands. Effort ebbs and flows. But it’s always there. Adjusting to the needs of the moment. Which brings us to…

Patience:

Life is hard. I’ve started a new job that demands a lot of time and bandwidth. My friendships have recently had to accommodate that. I have been less present, texted less, been less available in general. Now you cannot just fall off the face of the earth with no communication. Friendship is a two way street and respecting their time and effort is important. But in the end being there for your friends is what’s it’s all about. Sometimes it’s you that needs the support or change sometimes it will be them. Some friendships will end at this point because the connection was not strong enough to sustain that change. It’s not a criticism it’s really a self care requirement.

Recently I’ve had two long friendships end. One because I decided that the effort was one sided and one where they just stopped communicating with no indication as to why. One was a decision that I had been putting off for a long time where I knew that I was not as valued as I valued them. The second was unexpected and I realized that love means accepting their decisions with a kind heart and the hope that at some point they will reach out when they are able. Because true friendship means that…

You can fully be yourself:

We can share our thoughts, unfiltered. We don’t have to worry about how it sounds. Life is messy. It’s full of frustration and disappointment, and hurt. It’s full of mistakes made again and again. True friendship shows you that you can share these moments and find not judgment but support and love and understanding. This kind of friendship is not built quickly. It’s built vulnerable moment by vulnerable moment over decades. Sometimes it means that they are quiet for a long while. And even if you don’t know why you will wait for them to return and you will accept them back softly because at the heart of every friendship I have is…

Kindness:

I am hardest on myself. All of my friends possess an innate gentleness. That’s not to say that we don’t have hard conversations. We do. The last one was where I needed to look at a friendship that needed ending for many reasons. But even that difficult conversation was undertaken with care and kindness. Where the entire conversation was one of exploration and curiosity. One in which I never felt I was being directed towards one decision or another. Because connection and being fully known is where the foundation of true friendship lies.

Connection:

This is the rarest part. You'll meet thousands of people over your lifetime. And you’ll find connection with only a select few. It depends on so many different factors; world view, life experiences; emotional maturity and bandwidth. The hardest thing you’ll ever do is sever a relationship where you have connection but no effort. True friendship needs all of these things. If you are missing one you will have a hard decision to make eventually.

Friendship not love is the bedrock of your life. And you should care for it and those in it with care and kindness, patience and love. And they should care for you the same way. Because true, life long friends are rare and they should be treated as such.