Recognition
The singular joy of being seen, known and loved
I recently read a book where the main character’s mother had an advanced form of dementia and didn’t recognize her. And I realized that being recognized by my family and friends is something that I’ve taken for granted. I’ve written extensively about relationships, love, romance. And at the core I’ve discovered is that we want someone to be witness to our lives. Because it’s not just recognition we crave it’s being known and accepted as we are.
“There is nothing more beautiful to being a witness to someone’s life. To know them inside and out and be with them through everything, to share the same memories. I want to be able to say one out of context comment to someone and they get what it means and they laugh and it’s just some stupid joke from eleven years ago that means nothing to anyone else. You can’t fake that kind of thing. It’s the result of a parallel life. A shared collection of experiences, like a snowball rolling downhill, getting bigger as it goes. And then you get to a point where you’re so far in, you can never really replace that person.” (Jimenez 14).
Susan Sarandon’s character, Beverly Clark, in “Shall We Dance”, explains it over dinner, “We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'." (Shall We Dance, 2004).
I don’t think this only applies to marriage. I think our families, our friends, our partners, all of them become a witness to our lives as we are to theirs. When someone nears the end of life their frame of reference shrinks. Their questions become simpler, clearer. Do you love me? Did I matter?
As we begin the new year I invite you to take a moment to remind you that you matter, to me and to so many others, some who’ve you met and others who you’ve only met in passing.
Jimenez, Abby. Say You'll Remember Me. First edition, Forever, 2025.
Chelsom, Peter. Shall We Dance. Miramax, 2004.